Ca$h

The front cover of In Love With a Convict calls the book "Formerly a Dirty South Love." If you're like me and are a huge fan of the Dirty South Love genre, you might be worried that this book won't give you your fix. Don't fret. Here's how it starts:

"Yo, mayne, you gotta come see the new lieutenant! That bitch cuter than a muthafucka and thick as hell, too."

We've got dirty south love on our hands, no doubt about it.

If you're familiar with Ca$h's more popular works, including Trust No Bitch, Trust No Bitch 2, and Trust No Bitch 3: Deadly Alliance, you'll know her work is inundated with powerful men torn between their old life on the streets and a new life with their baby mama, headstrong women devoted to their children, and triflin' hos. With In Love With a Convict, we get a character that's all three of those things at the same time: my girl Solange.

Solange is something else. I don't know where she gets the energy to be who she is. After you read the book, do a quick count of all the Solange chapters that don't end either with sex or with a physical altercation. I counted two, and she might have sucked a cop's dick in one of them I wasn't quite sure.

It's easy to call Solange a bitch who didn't deserve a man like Prince, but let me give her credit for a few things. First of all, as much hard dick as she kept around the house, it took until Chapter 23 for her daughter to catch her with one in her mouth. If we're going by the percentages, that's pretty darn good mothering. It's also important to remember that she didn't choose to be a freak, she was born with it in her. The scene with her mother eating taco meat off an old man's chest should be proof enough on that point.

Enough about Solange, though. We've got to talk about Stack.

Imagine you and your two best friends are running a lemonade stand on the sidewalk outside your parents' house. Your lemonade is really popular, and the profits you pull in help fund the lawyers who are attempting to overturn your friend's murder conviction. Win-win! Now, say one of your two friends has to go inside and talk to his family for a minute, and he asks you and your other friend to wait on selling more lemonade until he gets back. Then, the moment he's gone, that other friend pours a glass of lemonade for himself and leaves. Your first friend comes back, notices that some of the lemonade is gone, and decides to stab you a bunch of times. How do you respond?

This is the situation Stack finds himself in when Prince comes to his cell to apologize. If I were Stack, I'd politely ask for Prince to lift up his shirt and offer me three to five free stabs. But I'm not Stack. This dude says, "Just give me a one." A one? That's just a regular fight where another guy makes sure you don't kill each other! So they do that for a little while, THEN THEY FIST BUMP AND IT'S ALL OK. That's some magnanimous ass shit.

I need more friends like Stack. I want to start stabbing people with impunity.

In Love With a Convict is really dumb, which is fine. Ca$h gives the reader a woman we can love (Nicole), a man we can hate (Renegade and his funky smelling dick), and a man we can all aspire to be (Prince, or I guess Stack depending on how much you like getting stabbed). Plus, we've got Solange, who gave us some excellent advice.

"Stick to your script, bitch, and don't let your pussy guide you or you'll end up with nothing but a broken heart and a wet ass."

I'm getting that tattooed on my chest.… (més)