Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life (1992)

“You must learn how to say no to your friends” told me my beloved aunt a decade ago and gosh it was never easy:D

As a non-believer, I was disappointed when starting reading and honestly I wouldn’t have bought the book in the first place if I had noticed it had been about setting boundaries based on biblical ideology.

That said, the book became more intriguing as I progressed. What’s more, I’m utterly satisfied with its useful information and interestingly, now I wish I had read it earlier. Although it might not give one the ultimate remedy to set boundaries vividly, it clarifies the variety of boundary-difficulty scenarios one might be stuck in considering relationships, family and occupation.

I highly suggest reading it for those who cannot easily say no.
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The author elaborates on the topic of boundaries from a Christian viewpoint. Often Christians feel that they must take on every request made of them. This book emphasizes that that is not a Christian viewpoint. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of others.

Several quotes that I saved will give the flavor of the book.

“Finding your life’s work involves taking risks. First you must firmly establish your identity, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must access your talents and limitations. And then you must step out as God leads you. “ p 224

“Do not make an idol out of willpower.” P 225

“Although God wants us to respect his boundaries, he also says ‘Come let us reason together’ ”. Isa 1:18 p 240

And there are some statements that I have a harder time agreeing with:
“Some people will find out that the holy, just God of the OT isn’t so bad or scary. He just has very clear boundaries.” P 280

I will never forget how, when first challenged to read the Bible through when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was appalled, almost traumatized, to read how the OT God told the Israelites to not only kill the mothers but rip the babies from their wombs.

Anyway, whether I agreed with everything or not, it was an interesting read. ( )

This is a very solid book for healthy, mature living. The framework of boundaries holds up well and I see this now as a resource or tool to use in the future. A bit dry in parts, overdone in others - but the truths herein are profound and the principles and strategies are practical. Reading this book didn’t “change my life” but knowing (and applying successfully) its message certainly will. ( )

This is going to be a terrible review.

I liked the book, as you can tell from the rating.
However, the one star missing is for a lack of evidence (other than the apparent scriptural and experience). There are few studies, few reviewed experiments/papers and that, for a psychological/non-fiction book isn't great.

But the truth is that I liked it. It felt right. And that is not an educated reason. But it really does feel right and logical. But, also true, is that work boundaries are not quite as easily managed as others. But boundaries are essential and I've always loved them. :) So naturally I like this book. Plus, it was highly recommended by another book I really liked. ( )

In addition to this, I went through Professor Christoph Kreitz notes on this. It's close to 300 page.

Professor Christoph Kreitz's Notes

I think, the notes are thorough, and gives the depth of boundaries.

Key Concepts:

-Own Responsibility for yourself, thoughts, feelings, values
-Take good care of yourself, so that you can take care of others
-Define: Who you are, Who you are not, What you like, dislike
-Out of Pure Heart: Love & Communicate to the other person
-Let people be themselves, we can’t control other’s will

Symptoms of Ignored boundaries:

-Enmeshment (feeling not clear, who you are in the relationship)
-Disassociation (out of touch with feeling, when violated boundaries)
-Detachment
-Victimhood
-Chip on Shoulder (carrying past hurt)
-Invisibility
-Smothering
-Lack of Privacy


My Problem with this:

I am not sure if this is for all cultures. If you are under Evangelical Culture, I respectfully ask you to expand your understanding of other cultures - Why? So, you don't mislead people into abyss.

People from Japan, China, Israel, Europe, Asia, India and South America might not even have these concepts in their culture.

Eg: In India, You will be asked by anyone:

1) How much money you make?
2) What does your family do?
3) People will reveal lot about themselves to you

Mr.Cloud, does that mean they don't have boundaries? I digress, probably, it looks differently.
It's part of the culture.

This is clearly written to Anglo-Saxons.

I would change the title to, "Boundaries for Anglo-Saxons."

Henry Cloud has a doctorate. Unfortunately, he doesn’t show understanding of anthropology (honor-shame, fear/power, guilt/law dynamics)

I implore readers of this work and Dr.Cloud to raise their understanding.

He could write a better book with such a background.

I'd recommend this book regardless to everyone

Deus Vult,
Gottfreid.
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