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Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science…
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Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex… (2015 original; edició 2015)

de Emily Nagoski Ph.D. (Autor)

MembresRessenyesPopularitatValoració mitjanaMencions
6072528,645 (4.3)8
***A NEW YORK TIMES BESTELLER*** An essential exploration of why and how women's sexuality works--based on groundbreaking research and brain science--that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a "pink pill" for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answer--but as a result of the research that's gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women's sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all. The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others' experiences. Because women vary, and that's normal. Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman's arousal, desire, and orgasm. Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman's sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible. And Emily Nagoski can prove it.… (més)
Membre:Melinda_Brown
Títol:Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
Autors:Emily Nagoski Ph.D. (Autor)
Informació:Simon & Schuster (2015), Edition: 1, 416 pages
Col·leccions:Llegint actualment
Valoració:
Etiquetes:sexuality education

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Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life de Emily Nagoski PhD (2015)

Afegit fa poc perbiblioteca privada, MarcellaTillett, JamesT1, maswala, knhaydon, ssperson, pouignac, emmargo, metis_unhinged
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I read this on the recommendation of a friend who suggested it might help clear things up for me. She winked when she said it. And so, as a man, I realize I am not the target audience, which makes this a difficult thing to review.

The good: several of my female friends have told me that this book changed their lives. Evidently there is good advice here, and it definitely cleared up some misconceptions I had around women's sexuality. To that extent, if you can suspend your disbelief, this is probably a great read.

The bad: I mentioned suspension of disbelief. Nagoski often refers to "the science," claiming that whatever study proves her point. However, my overwhelming feeling throughout the book was that Nagoski had ideas that empirically seemed to work out, and was trying to justify them through the literature. While there are quite a few citations (none of which I followed up on), the studies she describes simply /reek/ of bad science. They are either studies about rats that she's extrapolated to human behavior, or they are unreplicated studies of n
While the facade of science probably lends an air of legitimacy to what otherwise would be a book of just-so stories, it completely falls flat to a scientifically-minded audience. And so I'm stymied here. Nagoski's methods are clearly bunk, but due to how many people I know personally whom have been helped by this book, I feel that I need to credit where it's due.

Should you get points for accidentally being right, even if your methods are completely wrong?

Another gripe: the prose here is rather egregious. It comes off a lot like having a chat-room conversation back in the early 2000s. For example, Nagoski doesn't seem to know the word "feelings," and instead, exclusively refers to "getting the Feels." There are a lot of strained analogies to popular culture, almost none of which I was familiar with --- and the ones I was, the metaphor didn't really connect. For example, she spent a few pages describing the plot of Groundhog Day, and then when she got around to her point, it really didn't seem to be related to Groundhog Day at all! I think it was about "why do vaginal and clitoral orgasms feel different from one another if they are REALLY AND TRULY JUST THE SAME THING?" but I can't remember.

Relatedly, the book espouses particularly bad ontology. As alluded to above, Nagoski decides by fiat that ALL ORGASMS ARE THE SAME. She adopts a non-standard definition of orgasm, and justifies this claim based on her new definition. She says, if you notice a distinction between vaginal and clitoral orgasms, that you are wrong. Because they are the same thing. "And besides, every orgasm is different from one another, so why differentiate?"

Nagoski makes this misstep many times throughout the book. Maybe it's just me splitting hairs, but she willingly and oftentimes redefines a word. Clearly she is attempting to remove stigma or get past some cultural blocks, or whatever, but make no mistake --- this is the work of a marketer, not a researcher. Nagoski evidently has something to sell here, which she admits, but it's unclear whether she's aware she's doing this, or whether her thinking really is this sloppy. Like it or not, words mean something, and we use them because they usefully carve distinctions that we'd like to make. It's fine to show us that these distinctions are mistaking the forest for the trees, but a better approach than saying "you're wrong, orgasm doesn't REALLY mean that" is "here's a better word that better carves reality at its joints."

The ugly: the major takeaway of this book seems to be "no matter what your sexuality is, it's normal." There's a lot of dark-arts psychology in the prose of this book, in an attempt to reassure the reader that they are "not broken." My initial, uncharitable response to this was "what sort of sad, weak person needs to seek reassurance from this?" But then I remembered the women who have praised this book to me, and quite a number of them are remarkably strong, wildly inspiring humans.

As such, I have reconsidered my view, and instead interpret the book's reaffirming attitude as evidence of just how fucked up women's sexuality must be in our culture. As a man, this is never going to be a thing I will experience first-hand, so any evidence is helpful to gain an honest understanding here. Maybe it's not weak people who feel that they're broken; maybe it's just everyone. If so, I guess I can get onboard with the book's approach, but it still feels a bit dishonest.

Overall, if you are like me, this book probably isn't a great investment of your time. There are definitely things to be learned here, but the vast majority of it is an owner's guide to contextualizing women's sexuality. My primary takeaways are that the expectation of sex leads to sexual excitement, regardless of whether or not the brain is into it --- and that getting rid of the expectation of sex from intimate touching can help alleviate stress and, paradoxically, lead to significantly better sex. ( )
  isovector | Dec 13, 2020 |
Revolutionary and pragmatic for any cisgender woman in a heterosexual relationship seeking steps toward self compassion to enhance her sexuality. ( )
  sjanke | Dec 9, 2020 |
I bought this book because I received a diagnosis of vaginismus earlier this year and the people on the vaginismus subreddit recommended it.
First off, this book is extremely straight and cisgender. The author mentions this at the beginning of the book-there simply isn’t enough research.

However, if you are a person who is dating another person with a vagina, or if you yourself have a vagina and want to have sex with your partner, or you just want to masturbate by yourself, I would still say you should read this book. There is a lot of good information in here for couples about how to communicate, how to be non-judgmental about their partner’s feelings and their own feelings.

Besides that, the science is fascinating. I had an inkling if it before I read this but a lot of her terms and explanations BLEW MY GODDAMN MIND!

This book definitely helped me come to terms with my diagnosis, not as a good thing or a bad thing, but simply something that exists and that I can seek medical care for (and have done so). It helped me to realize I’m okay just the way I am and my body is okay just the way it is. We are all made up of the same parts, just arranged differently. ( )
  kirkspocks | Nov 2, 2020 |
"If you feel broken, or know someone who does... we've all been lied to but its no one's fault.." This is the page heading that this book fell open to when I first opened this Amazing book. This is the book I wish I had had years ago and should be part of Everyones sex education. This book won't just change your sex life, it will change your whole life forever.

Special P.S. to the author: Thanks & Wow. ( )
  ShannonRose4 | Sep 15, 2020 |
This is more self-help than hard science (although there's plenty of science cited for all the points). Even if you aren't searching for help or answers, the overall message is hugely positive and affirming for people with vaginas to hear. The tl/dr:

-everyone is different, and everyone is normal
-responsive (vs spontaneous) desire is normal and more common for women
-nonconcordance (disagreement between your brain and your body's responses) is real and normal
-for most women, context is EVERYTHING
-we all have sexual "brakes" and "accelerators" that work independently of each other and have varying degrees of sensitivity

There's a lot more, but I wish I had grown up with all of this knowledge. Also, I've read others' beefs with the author's casual tone. I'm usually put off by chattiness in books, but it didn't bother me here. Maybe because she's a therapist? Maybe because talking about sex clinically doesn't feel as open? Meh. Not bothered. ( )
  beautifulshell | Aug 27, 2020 |
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***A NEW YORK TIMES BESTELLER*** An essential exploration of why and how women's sexuality works--based on groundbreaking research and brain science--that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a "pink pill" for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answer--but as a result of the research that's gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women's sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all. The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others' experiences. Because women vary, and that's normal. Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman's arousal, desire, and orgasm. Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman's sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible. And Emily Nagoski can prove it.

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