The way we never were is a dense book about family structures throughout American history backed up by substantial sociological, family science, and economic research. The main thesis is that family structures change in response to macroeconomic trends, rather than causing these trends (i.e. a "break down" of family values can't be blamed for increased rates of poverty, rather, increased poverty precipitates families forming different arrangements to adapt to economic pressures). If you read the book, definitely read the 2016 edition because the prologue and epilogue provide updates on economic and sociological trends since the book was first published in the 90s and are in fact, probably the most important parts of the book. Also, despite the listed pagination, the book is really only about 400 pages of text, with almost another 200 of notes and bibliography. ( )

I learned a lot, it was very interesting! Some stuff was naturally outdated given that it was published in 1992 but it was nonetheless really informative. ( )

Impeccably researched and truly illuminating. The updated edition is worth upgrading to, too. ( )

Finished The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap by Stephanie Coontz.

Debates about family values often revolve around the idea of the "normal" nuclear family. Mom, Dad, kids, Dad works, Mom stays home, Mom is fully focused on both her role as wife and role as mother, Grandma and Grandpa are always there to give help and advice, there is a strong work ethic, children are not exposed to sex or other adult concerns, men and women are chaste until marriage, everyone is content. One side claims that if we could just revive this model, all would be well. The other side claims that we can never go back to those days, and we have to work with the "modern" family. What both sides take for granted is that such families made up the historical norm.

Coontz sets out to show that the traditional nuclear family is neither particularly nuclear nor particularly traditional. Coontz's scholarly credentials make her well qualified to undertake such a task. She backs her claims with lots of data and does a good job of distinguishing strong claims from weaker claims. My summary will not be nearly so scholarly. =)

The idealized American family never existed at a large scale. The idealized family is a mishmash of historical realities. Our strongest memory of the ideal family comes from the 1950's. The family of this era perhaps came closest to being the ideal family, however, this family structure had some aspects that were not sustainable. For example, it was a historical norm during that period that conflicts between marital ties and kin networks, peer groups, or community ties would always be resolved in favor of marital ties. In fact, such extended networks were viewed with suspicion. As we are seeing now, the loss of community and larger networks has put families in a precarious position because they have much smaller networks to help them when things go wrong. It is my opinion that our current over dependence on the government to do things for us is partially due to the loss of larger kinship and community networks.

One recurring theme in the myths that Coontz disproves is that the idealized family (whether of the 1950's or the 1650's) was independent of outside intervention. As I mentioned already, families have always been dependent on extended networks. However, this dependence shows up in other ways. The most interesting one is that the standard nuclear family is, to some degree, a product of public intervention in private families. In the first part of the 20th century, it was common for public agencies to intervene in families that did not follow the nuclear norm. Of particular concern to these agencies were extended kin networks (because of their association with "un-American" immigrants). Children were often taken away from households that contained adults other than the parents (e.g., aunts and uncles). These agencies strongly believed that families should consist of a mother, a father, and children and that any deviance from that should be strongly discouraged.

I have only scratched the surface of Coontz's arguments (the book is ~290 pages of dense text and ~90 pages of notes). I recommend this book to anyone who has an interest in how family structures in the U.S. have changed over time. Coontz does not advocate an "anything goes" attitude with respect to families, but she clearly believes that our debates about families and family values are not based in facts. This book provides some of the missing facts. ( )

Funny how we remember things. As a child I did believe everything I was told and saw on the TV. I highly recommend this book. It is fun and recalls many memories. Odd too is how we thought of things then and how we think of them today. I will share this experience with friends and recommend they purchase a copy. ( )